Exes Should Remain Ex’s
It’s funny how I think of my ex sometimes, not that I want to, but some situations and events cause memories of him to flash before my eyes, quite a lot, and to be honest, it doesn’t surprise me.
I've always been one to distrust exes. I never keep in touch or stay friends because I mean, if I was romantic with you in the past, what's the chance that it wouldn't repeat itself?
Yeah! I'm the girl who blocks, unfollows, and deletes everything about her exes because she thinks it's the right thing to do. Besides, I don't trust my heart not to run back to him, but, if it's a case where he did me dirty like my last, I would tie up my heart and keep it right in check. No matter what.
Besides, we ladies gotta support each other, right?
You might probably be wondering why I’m writing this all of a sudden. Well, it’s because I’m beginning to forget. I’ve moved on and the memories are gradually fading. But then, I thought it wouldn’t hurt to document my experience somewhere because I believe every memory is to be cherished.
So, I’ll be telling you about my very recent breakup which happened two years ago. Feel free to get a bowl of popcorn, a drink, and probably slouch on your couch or bed because it’s a story you’d enjoy.
I met a boy in church one time, years ago. Just when I was given a leadership role to host one of our house fellowships. He was fine, cute, and tall, so I said hi. I had thought to myself, it wouldn’t hurt to have a fine man as a friend, so why not.
I had walked up to him standing beside the door to our venue at the time, ushering people into the church while the service was going on.
I smiled.
"Hi! My name is Maryjane but you can call me MJ or Jane", I said. My smile grew wide as I extended my hand for a shake. He smiled right back, took my hand, and shook it.
"Will you like to be friends?", I asked.
He nodded and gave me his number. I went home smiling. That was the craziest thing I have ever done, but at the time, I didn’t mind. Moreover, I barely had friends in the church at that time and I thought I was finally going to.
Arriving at my lodge in school, I told my girlfriends about this mystery guy I had met in church. A premium gist it was as they squealed in excitement, teasing me till they had their fill.
I texted him later that night and we decided to meet up. It was going to be a friendly date at his place, and to be honest, I was scared. Nervous and unsure of what to expect. If I should go or shouldn’t, as I barely visited boys.
But on Monday morning, I dressed up, attended my lectures, and gave a bike man the address to his place which didn’t seem far from mine, more like a 50 min ride away.
When I got to his place, he ushered me into a self-contained room with a wide space and barely anything in the wardrobe. His place looked pretty organized. A table in one corner of the room, a well-made bed, and a floor that shone like it had just been mopped. I smiled at this.
He is thoughtful, I thought.
Sitting on the bed, next to him. Trying to feel at home when he offered me a glass of water, which I drank a little from. We talked about life, faith, family, friends, and career. I would smile a little when I felt shy and he would smile right back.
Soon, we had run out of things to talk about, staring at each other. Looking into each other’s eyes, when it dawned on me that he liked me as much as I liked him. He shifted closer to me and I froze. My eyes locked on his, unsure of what was going on. He reached for my hand and I shivered, blushing as I looked away, trying to slow down my frantic heart as it was beating fast, and faster.
What are you doing MJ? I thought to myself, suddenly feeling his hand on my cheek as he pulled me back to look at him, locking his lips with mine while my eyes were wide open, watching him close his eyes and move his lips against mine softly. It took seconds for me to recollect myself, and match his pace.
But when I realized what was going on and how fast this was, I yelped, jumping on my feet as I gathered my things and walked away. By the time I got home, it was 7 pm. I undressed and curled myself to sleep.
In the morning I woke up to his text, smiling sheepishly as I texted back. I was in trouble, and I knew it.
"Strangers become lovers, then back to strangers".
With the chemistry I had with my ex, Uchenna, one will think we would forever be together, making history and loving each other. But love is most times, not enough, and that was my case.
After a year of being friends who are romantically attracted to each other, we decided to make things official. And so, on one faithful rainy day, he came visiting, and after what seemed like hours of talking, he held my hand and asked me to be his girlfriend.
I said yes.
When I was a teenager, I always told myself and anyone who cared to listen that I was a PDA girl. The public display of affection girl who wouldn’t mind kissing her boyfriend in public, hugging, cuddling, and sweet talking. But guess what, that was the fantasy girl in me talking because when I met Muna, as his friends fondly called him, I realized that I wasn’t only shy, but barely knew anything about and around romantic relationships.
There were days we would be out and he would hold my hand, and I would pull them away, alarmed at the people around us and the looks we were getting. On other days I had gone to visit him and he would see me off, he would pull me in for a kiss or two, and I literally ran away. Blushing and extremely shy to my knees.
Memories like these, like now, flash before my eyes and I’m left to wonder why I remember him. My conclusion is that he was my very first intentional love.
I loved every ounce of that boy in ways I never knew I could love and till today, it somewhat scares the shit outta me, because what’s this? How can one have feelings so intense that they hurt when it leaves?
You wanna know why a lot of people are single today? It is because to make a relationship work, I’ve realized you have to be intentional and intentional. There are no two ways about it because it will take loving that person from the very core of your being to stay fixated on them.
But then, exes should just be exes because continually having random thoughts of them will stop you from moving on. In my case, our relationship eventually became toxic and we had to let each other go. I had traumas that needed therapy and so did he. Although we loved each other wholesomely, we understood that loving meant admitting the truth and working together to be better. And when working together didn’t work, we concluded that it would be best if we went our separate ways, figured our lives out, and faced our demons. Which we did.
I still think of him because I loved him. At the time, he was the only person I could properly be myself with. He was my college sweetheart who I had shared my hurts, struggles, and pain with.
Yes, we went on poor school dates but he was there. And what this has taught me is that having an ex shouldn’t in any way breed hate on both parties. Relationships come and go. Some work out and some don’t, but in any case, hating your former partner cages you and prevents you from moving on.
I know everyone has something that works for them when it comes to moving on. I have mine too. I don’t call or text. I delete and block so I’m not tempted to reach out or call. I unfollow them and try as much as possible to stay out of their lives. And this is how I move on. Over time, the memories fade. Just like now.
If what you want is advice from a girl who knows how hard it is to move on from someone you once loved truly, then heed these:
- You Will Find Love Again
Most times, people assume that when they leave their relationships they will never find love again or someone who would love them as much as the person they left or are leaving, did.
I'm here to tell you that that's not true. You will find someone. There's no one person made for you, because you were born to be loved by many. And as long as you're sincere in your feelings and true to yourself, you will find love. It's everywhere on earth. Lol.
So, buckle up and prepare to be loved.
- What’s Important to You?
Have you ever asked yourself this? Maybe you should. Knowing what is important to you can help you determine if you'd like to run back into that relationship or not. For me, my faith, principle, and heart were very important to me and for them to be safe, I couldn't continue.
I've heard stories of people staying in abusive relationships or loveless relationships and my question remains, why?
Why would you do that to yourself? It hurts not to be loved as much as you have loved, and when you remain there, hoping and waiting for the other person to come around, you hurt yourself more.
Please be kind to yourself and move on. Trust me when I say you will find someone else who is better than him, or her.
Please! Leave abusive relationships! They break you. Staying would only shatter you, and by the time you realize this, it might be too late. Guys! Love yourself. A million times more.
Don't compromise what makes you, you. Your values, self-worth, and heart. Those treasures are what will bring the right person to your doorstep.
- Don’t Hurt Others
If you're hurting or have been hurt, attaching yourself to someone immediately might make things worse. For example, I was hurting Uchenna, the same with him. We had childhood pains and hurts that gravitated to distrust and fear, and that affected our relationship.
It didn't matter how much we loved each other, we just couldn't be together anymore. We tried! Trust me, we did. But it made things worse. And when we realized we had begun to see the relationship as a chore, we had to let go of each other. And no, we are not in touch with each other.
If you will let go of a person, please do so fully. Do not forget that letting go is also a form of love. Instead of hurting and being hurt, save yourselves the pain and split. Especially if there's a need for character development and improvement. Please go fix yourselves.
If you come back together in the future, all the best! If not, don't hate or despise. You love when you could, and that in itself, is beautiful.
- Be Truthful
Don’t be the bitter ex. Please don’t. Aside from that being childish, it’s not fair. Even the Bible talks about loving those who hurt you as you would love yourself. If your ex did you dirty, don’t hate. You won’t move on that way because you would keep seeing him or her in every guy or lady you come across.
People are different. Not everyone is and would be like your ex. I like to think that if people knew better, they would do better. Uchenna hurt me by distrusting me at every single chance he got. I felt disrespected and unloved, but I knew he was hurting. We both were.
Hurt people would hurt. Most times, unconsciously. So please, don’t hate. You would never know what they’ve been through or what they are going through. You can leave the relationship without hurting them to feel good or dragging them to satisfy your ego.
Be truthful. Asides from the obvious need to separate from each other, I tell my friends and everyone who cares to listen that he was the best part of my early college years. And it is true.
Let’s all do better, and I assure you, you will feel more at peace, moving on more easily.
- Let Go!
Do not hold back. If you want to cry, please do. When you're hurting, please say so. If you want to lament and scream, please do so. But don't hold on to something or someone you know you should let go of.
Don't be the ex that would monitor their movements or who they are seeing next. Please try to move on with your life and meet people. Let go of any residual feelings and move on! It is paramount you do so for your peace's sake.
Maybe you need to block and unfollow, like me. Just do whatever you think is in your best interest and your previous partner too. Letting go is loving too. Have peace. And let them do so too.
- Get Busy
Get busy! Develop yourself and improve your skills. Go on dates, but heal first before you do, so you don't transfer your fears or hurt into a new relationship.
Learn skills, grow, improve, and become better. Trust me, it will take your mind off a lot of things. Don't listen to sad songs, please. Lol.
Leave Ed and James Arthur alone! Whatever will make you sad or bring back the victim feeling, avoid them. Get busy and become better.
PS: Soon I will be releasing my very first Novel on Amazon. Please anticipate and buy when it’s released. I’ll make sure it’s sold at a very affordable price.
Meanwhile, I would share a link when it’s ready!
Feel free to add to this list of do’s and don’ts when preparing or going through a breakup. Especially if your addition is from your experience.
Please take advantage of the comment section below because I would love to know how you were able to get over your ex and maybe, why you think Exes shouldn’t remain Exes. If you have questions for me of course, I would be more than honoured to answer them based on my experience.
Remember, Exes should remain Exes because they are in your past. Look ahead to the future and try someone else. But before you do that, make sure you are a better person.
